"The Non-committal Commitment", Always a bridesmaid and never the bride...and for me that’s okay this time around.

I had a situation happen recently which caused me to question my current marriage or non-marriage status.  It brought me back about twenty years ago when I pretty much stomped my feet like Nelly from "Little House on The Prairie" when telling my soon to be husband that the two year mark of our dating period passed and it was time to sh#% or get off the pot. (Yes. I kept track of the hours, minutes and seconds)

Throughout my blogging career, you will hear me refer to "minding the gap" often. You know the place where your dreams meet your reality? And twenty years ago, my dream was to get married and have beautiful children, gaze into my husband's eyes in nothing but admiration, and raise our "perfect" family in our fantastic house. All to be surrounded by a white picket fence!  In the beginning, things really worked out in my favor however the writing was on the wall after realizing that my set of criteria didn't provide for a solid foundation for what was supposed to last forever. 

"You can marry more in a minute than you can make in a lifetime!" That was the joke in our house said best by my sweet "mother dearest" who was pretty much rescued off the fire escape in Jersey City by my father in his '62 Thunderbird. So although it was often posed as a joke, part of me thinks that my decisions related to relationships and marriage were influenced or clouded by the underlying seriousness of it all.

Now before you start talking smack about my mom, I implore you to read on.  I was raised by two wonderful, misunderstood and extremely dysfunctional individuals otherwise known as "Lolly and Pete". They love eachother in their own special way and are still together after 49 years.  Both had two very different and confusing parenting styles but as I examine it now, one's strengths overshadowed the other's weaknesses and in my opinion, I think they did a pretty good job in the end.

This is a story of where I was then and where I am now. It’s the story of the decisions I have made based on some of the crappy hands I had been dealt and the perfectly flawed life I live as a result of it. And for the record, this is not a pity party - just a reflection of resilience, awareness and growth.

I'd normally spare any silly details of my youth.  For example, like Lolly being an active alcoholic (now sober) and Pete, a prominent real estate attorney representing fashion icon, Oleg Cassini and the villages where John Lennon and Yoko Ono and Billy Joel lived on The Gold Coast of Long Island but this is what adds to the dysfunction and ultimately the irony and humor of it all.

So let me frame it in for you and jump back to the 1980's. I was a student at St. Dominic's Elementary School. Lolly was notorious for always being late to pick me up. And I'm not just talking minutes. Let’s just say I had plenty of time to get all of my homework done, slip into the chapel, snoop through Father Collin's drawers, say a few Hail Mary's for Penance and then get down on my knees to pray that my mother would eventually show up sometime so I didn't have to go to a foster home. In hindsight, I think I subconsciously tore it up in high school just to give my mother a taste of her own "where the hell is she" medicine for never showing up on time. You will be happy to know that I worked it all out in the late 80's at a therapist's office and I’ve resolved my abandonment issues.
 
Early 90's. I fell in love with my brother's best friend who ends up becoming the money maker, the baby maker, the hell raiser and unbeknownst to me at the time, my future ex-husband. Again, all surrounded by the white picket fence. He met all of my flimsy criteria at the time.  It didn’t matter what his flaws were.  He was fun and successful.  I was in love and he was the first to respond to the call and rescue me from the fire escape.  Done!  The gap was perfectly minded. 

Unfortunately it didn't work out as I planned.  In hindsight, I’m venturing to guess that my criteria sucked and ultimately caused the enourmous gap between my dreams and reality.  After exhausting all options, we divorced.

Some would say I'm a woman scorned. I say that I just happen to have a different set of eyes on my current relationship as the infamous two year mark approaches. My boyfriend, who has never been married nor has children (at least that he knows about) and I are perfectly content after two years of dating. And as I reflect upon the 90's and the relationship temper tantrums I've thrown over "the proposal", I question my quest for the "dream". I wouldn't change it for the world because I have three beautiful children, a great job and very realistic and healthy relationship which at this time will not be interrupted by that thing called marriage. And if we choose to get married, it will be a decision NOT based on financial status nor anybody else’s opinion but on our compatibility, commitment to one another and of course, his ability to share the never ending responsibility of driving three kids around. :-)  There's plenty of other criteria that I don't need to mention, but let's just say it's been given much more consideration than my first run with it in the 90's.
 
So there is no need to ask "When's the big day?" or "He's never had children. Don't you want to give him the gift of a child?" (Yes, I've been asked that.) Because the cynic in me will strike back with the question "Why? Because it’s working out so great for you?"
 
So bridesmaids, matchmakers, wedding planners, baby makers and single wannabees,  Listen up!
 
I've got it under control. My perspective is crystal clear. I am not opposed to marriage.  There won't be anymore temper tantrums, or doing what others view as the "norm". I've got a second chance and a new lease on life. I have learned that it is our experiences which make us who we are, not a relationship nor another person or marriage. However it is a special person who can bring out the best in another.  (Which by the way is a better lesson that I have taught my children than the fire escape rescue tactic my mother taught me.)
 
I'm not saying that I'll never remarry but the non-committal commitment or perpetual engagement is much more attractive at this time. My dream has been altered a bit from the 90's and I'm "minding the gap" in a much different way with a set of much more experienced eyes and different criteria.  Remember, marriage is supposed to be forever.  I’d like to get it right the second time around.  So everybody just settle down.  Slow and steady wins the race.