God is great, cosmos are good and people are stupid!

Some of the most valuable lessons I've learned have been through my hardships.  And to be honest, I've had so much practice that I don't even view anything as insurmountable anymore. In fact, now and then I cringe when my ten year old throws my infamous line in my face and says,

"There's a solution to every problem. You may not like it at the time but just roll with it and eventually it will all make sense." 

That darn kid! Just when I thought her hearing was impaired, she proves that she actually does listen to what I say. Now there are those who experience hardships ranging from domestic issues, financial problems, isolation, illness, death or just plain stupidity.  And it is very common for people's ignorant behavior to lead to the aforementioned hardships. Then, there are those who are very secretive about their situations and they are usually the ones who suffer the most. You know the ones I'm talking about! They pretend that life is grand as their marriage is falling apart or they are sweeping the drunk spouse under the rug, or bailing a kid out of jail, or driving the sports cars and taking fabulous vacations as the foreclosure papers are being signed, sealed and delivered to their temporary doorstep.  And then, there are those who embrace it all and post Facebook status’ poking fun at the dysfunction surrounding them. And when that isn’t enough, they decide to "blog" about the circus they live. 

Warning:
 “Bell ringers, big mouths and judges make more enemies than friends. “

I learned that fact long ago. Now, I just poke fun at the dysfunction, not the people who have malfunctioned. I'm a realist and I call it as I see it and my favorite thing is teaching those bell ringers, big mouths and judges to take a good hard look at who they are and what’s going on in their lives instead of getting all up in my grill about how I handle my life.  For the sake of time, I will give you the abbreviated version but I'm going to tell you about the time I came face to face with a "bell ringer, big mouth and a judge" all wrapped into one. I had never met her before but she apparently knew who I was. She THOUGHT that I had moved to South Carolina from New York with my "retired" Wall Street Executive husband and my three young children, bought a house 5 sizes bigger than the one in NY for a quarter of the price that I sold my other. Apparently she scratched her head often trying to figure the whole deal out but obviously I paid her zero attention. Why?  Because I was consumed with the dysfunction going on in my life!  Mostly for obvious reasons - three kids, moving etc. But mostly because my life became unmanageable. It was shortly after 9/11, my husband's mind and business were terribly affected after losing so many friends and clients and ultimately my marriage was failing due to many things but mainly his addiction and what we know now as post traumatic stress disorder. In any case, I was busy running for my life thinking I could fix him, our marriage and all that was caving in on us.

"Wherever you go, there you are." 

On the contrary, things actually got worse. Marriage counseling, his several stints at rehab, depression and lack of motivation (also known as "retirement" by some) didn't help the situation at all. Ultimately it bankrupted us financially but I wasn't going to allow it to do the same emotionally to myself and my children. I tried to include my husband at the time but he wouldn't allow it. He defined himself too much by the money and was too distraught over the financial reality of things that at the time he couldn't get it together emotionally. Against my will, I had to let him sink with the ship. My children were too important to me.

And that is when the realist in me was born. I couldn't sit there and let this happen to my family. So I pulled out all guns. Family members had their own opinions. Friends had stood by as either spectators or as stage hands. And the bell ringers rung the bells, the big mouths yapped away and the judges made their judgments’.  But the bottom line is that I was fighting for my life to keep my head above water.

Three years after getting divorced, being left with all of the financial responsibility of the Wall Street lifestyle without an income - only investments, I was forced to go back to work after 11 years. I went from chicken salad to chicken sh#% in a matter of seconds. And it was then, that the transformation began and I was able to see what I was really made of.

After I had moved from my big, stupid, poorly judged purchased house, the bell ringers, big mouths and judges came out of the wood works. "Stupid Suzy" (her fictional name in order to protect her ignorant anonymity) is definitely the most noteworthy. She apparently knew "the whole story" and managed to voice her opinion about the state of our house at the homeowners meetings. And every time one of those meetings passed, I would kick myself for not showing up to give her a piece of my mind. The truth is I didn't have the wear withal to do it at that time. However every dog has its day. And three years later, mine finally had presented itself…

I was waiting on a friend at one of my favorite restaurants. As I grabbed a seat at the bar, I noticed a woman who went to my church and had lived in the neighborhood where my house was that I had just forfeited to the bank purely as a survival tactic. We exchanged greetings and as she did the church lady shuffle to her left, the curtain opened and my big moment had arrived. There stood the biggest bell ringer, big mouth judge I had known, but had never met. She knew who I was but I never let on that I figured her out until...

 

I had taken the last sip of my Cosmo (the official truth serum drink of angry people) and she of course made some ignorant comment about a couple at the bar and how he was so unattractive and she was so young and that she must be with him for the money.  And THAT was when I made my big debut!

“Hi Suzy”, I said.  “I’m Pamela Anderson Lee (my fictional name because I was feeling like a rock star at that moment).  You know that one who “abandoned” her house in YOUR fantastic neighborhood?”  “I’m so happy that we finally have a chance to meet.”  As I was greeting her, I was slipping my shoes off and suddenly she noticed that I was about 4 inches shorter from when the conversation began.  However the fact of the matter was that SHE looked like she was shrinking as a result of embarrassment.   She looked confused, wondering what I was doing as I slid my shoes towards her feet and told her to try them on.  She stood there frozen.  “Exactly,” I said.  “I’m not sure you would want to go there, however if you did in fact ever walk in my shoes, you would probably understand why I made the decisions that I had made.  I don’t owe you any explanation about any of them but I can tell you this: 

-“God has been great to me through my hardships

-This cosmopolitan tastes really good right now

-AND

- YOUR ignorance doesn’t seem so blissful anymore, does it??”

“You have reminded me of where I’ve come from, where I’ve been and the road I am on.  You really do have a purpose, so thank you!”   And then I slipped my shoes back on, assumed my 5 foot 7 stance and turned around to greet my stage hand.  We had dinner and great conversation about the boundaries I have set in my life and the quality of my children's lives as a result of my hardships.  We have learned to play our misfortune to our benefits and it surely is nothing money can buy.  We learned it all through real life experience!  

Just say it!

I received a text today from a friend that said,

"I'm really enjoying your blog. Don't be like me and abandon it for months at a time". 

A bit insulted by the abandonment accusation, I responded politely with a simple "No, I won't. In fact I'm working on another entry right now. Stay tuned"
 
It was sort of the truth as I was simultaneously fighting all of the voices of doubt in my head but brainstorming for the next infamous and inspirational blog.
 
Abandon isn't even a word in my vocabulary! I don't give up on anything unless of course we are talking about my first and so far only marriage. However, anything I do now is given extensive consideration and all efforts are exhausted before jumping on board or overboard. Although I was a little peeved about him suggesting such a thing, at the same time the timing of his text could not have been better.
 
Days have passed since my last posting and my inner voices of doubt have been fussing over what would be the subject of the next one. Should there even be a "next"? What have I gotten myself into? Is anybody really interested in what I have to say?

Well at least one person is. So I will continue on my blogging journey. I can't let my one and only fan down!
 
For the past three days I've been debating over the subject of my next entry. Should it be about the technically challenged 44 year old, the joy of parenting a teenager with a driver's permit, the temper tantrums people throw when they don't get their way, a parent's joy on the first day of school or the phenomenon of that little pageant redneck, Honey Boo Boo?
 
Even though this is considered a “mini entry” for my blog, it’s something for now.  The grand blog is in the making and as a result of that one text, I have a set of more positive eyes on the situation. There is a lesson to be learned from this…

All it takes is one person, one comment or a single incident (positive or negative) to be the catalyst for the transformation in others. And that one text gave me enough encouragement to lessen my worries. So not only do I have a new entry for my blog but I will be sure to pay it forward in a different kind of way and make it a point to tell somebody something nice today.

"The Non-committal Commitment", Always a bridesmaid and never the bride...and for me that’s okay this time around.

I had a situation happen recently which caused me to question my current marriage or non-marriage status.  It brought me back about twenty years ago when I pretty much stomped my feet like Nelly from "Little House on The Prairie" when telling my soon to be husband that the two year mark of our dating period passed and it was time to sh#% or get off the pot. (Yes. I kept track of the hours, minutes and seconds)

Throughout my blogging career, you will hear me refer to "minding the gap" often. You know the place where your dreams meet your reality? And twenty years ago, my dream was to get married and have beautiful children, gaze into my husband's eyes in nothing but admiration, and raise our "perfect" family in our fantastic house. All to be surrounded by a white picket fence!  In the beginning, things really worked out in my favor however the writing was on the wall after realizing that my set of criteria didn't provide for a solid foundation for what was supposed to last forever. 

"You can marry more in a minute than you can make in a lifetime!" That was the joke in our house said best by my sweet "mother dearest" who was pretty much rescued off the fire escape in Jersey City by my father in his '62 Thunderbird. So although it was often posed as a joke, part of me thinks that my decisions related to relationships and marriage were influenced or clouded by the underlying seriousness of it all.

Now before you start talking smack about my mom, I implore you to read on.  I was raised by two wonderful, misunderstood and extremely dysfunctional individuals otherwise known as "Lolly and Pete". They love eachother in their own special way and are still together after 49 years.  Both had two very different and confusing parenting styles but as I examine it now, one's strengths overshadowed the other's weaknesses and in my opinion, I think they did a pretty good job in the end.

This is a story of where I was then and where I am now. It’s the story of the decisions I have made based on some of the crappy hands I had been dealt and the perfectly flawed life I live as a result of it. And for the record, this is not a pity party - just a reflection of resilience, awareness and growth.

I'd normally spare any silly details of my youth.  For example, like Lolly being an active alcoholic (now sober) and Pete, a prominent real estate attorney representing fashion icon, Oleg Cassini and the villages where John Lennon and Yoko Ono and Billy Joel lived on The Gold Coast of Long Island but this is what adds to the dysfunction and ultimately the irony and humor of it all.

So let me frame it in for you and jump back to the 1980's. I was a student at St. Dominic's Elementary School. Lolly was notorious for always being late to pick me up. And I'm not just talking minutes. Let’s just say I had plenty of time to get all of my homework done, slip into the chapel, snoop through Father Collin's drawers, say a few Hail Mary's for Penance and then get down on my knees to pray that my mother would eventually show up sometime so I didn't have to go to a foster home. In hindsight, I think I subconsciously tore it up in high school just to give my mother a taste of her own "where the hell is she" medicine for never showing up on time. You will be happy to know that I worked it all out in the late 80's at a therapist's office and I’ve resolved my abandonment issues.
 
Early 90's. I fell in love with my brother's best friend who ends up becoming the money maker, the baby maker, the hell raiser and unbeknownst to me at the time, my future ex-husband. Again, all surrounded by the white picket fence. He met all of my flimsy criteria at the time.  It didn’t matter what his flaws were.  He was fun and successful.  I was in love and he was the first to respond to the call and rescue me from the fire escape.  Done!  The gap was perfectly minded. 

Unfortunately it didn't work out as I planned.  In hindsight, I’m venturing to guess that my criteria sucked and ultimately caused the enourmous gap between my dreams and reality.  After exhausting all options, we divorced.

Some would say I'm a woman scorned. I say that I just happen to have a different set of eyes on my current relationship as the infamous two year mark approaches. My boyfriend, who has never been married nor has children (at least that he knows about) and I are perfectly content after two years of dating. And as I reflect upon the 90's and the relationship temper tantrums I've thrown over "the proposal", I question my quest for the "dream". I wouldn't change it for the world because I have three beautiful children, a great job and very realistic and healthy relationship which at this time will not be interrupted by that thing called marriage. And if we choose to get married, it will be a decision NOT based on financial status nor anybody else’s opinion but on our compatibility, commitment to one another and of course, his ability to share the never ending responsibility of driving three kids around. :-)  There's plenty of other criteria that I don't need to mention, but let's just say it's been given much more consideration than my first run with it in the 90's.
 
So there is no need to ask "When's the big day?" or "He's never had children. Don't you want to give him the gift of a child?" (Yes, I've been asked that.) Because the cynic in me will strike back with the question "Why? Because it’s working out so great for you?"
 
So bridesmaids, matchmakers, wedding planners, baby makers and single wannabees,  Listen up!
 
I've got it under control. My perspective is crystal clear. I am not opposed to marriage.  There won't be anymore temper tantrums, or doing what others view as the "norm". I've got a second chance and a new lease on life. I have learned that it is our experiences which make us who we are, not a relationship nor another person or marriage. However it is a special person who can bring out the best in another.  (Which by the way is a better lesson that I have taught my children than the fire escape rescue tactic my mother taught me.)
 
I'm not saying that I'll never remarry but the non-committal commitment or perpetual engagement is much more attractive at this time. My dream has been altered a bit from the 90's and I'm "minding the gap" in a much different way with a set of much more experienced eyes and different criteria.  Remember, marriage is supposed to be forever.  I’d like to get it right the second time around.  So everybody just settle down.  Slow and steady wins the race.
 
 

Life Tilts

Life Tilts...As earths plates shift and tilt, life's seas get rougher. As they settle, they appear to be calmer.  I realize that it is in fact one's perspective that is the driving force of life's direction.  I realize that life tilts for everyone whether it's death, illness or just plain bad luck.    For some, the waves are big...for others the seas are incredibly turbulent and in some rare cases the water is serene.

In regards to death, some find comfort in the kind of relationship that they had with the beloved departed while others struggle to accept the circumstances due to a relationship deficiency of some sort.   At the end of the day, it comes down what eyes are looking at the situation. Perspective is what drives the boat of life!

I observed my "second family" (the one I used to threaten my parents to run away to when I was a kid) as they laid their patriarch to rest. I witnessed a grieving wife stand so strong and tall for the sake of her grieving children and grandchildren. She stroked the linens of the casket, fixed the hair, touched the hand and  straightened the tie of her departed husband of 60 years. She appeared to be mumbling but was in fact talking directly to him...scolding him for leaving her so soon.  

Each surviving child and grandchild and friends were coping in their own unique way. As I spoke to each person and took a good hard look at my reaction to his death, it occurred to me that everybody's degree of mourning was governed by their perspectives. Life's tilts are stronger for some than others.

As I entered airport security with a heavy heart, I was overwhelmed with gratitude.  Thankful for the offering of meatloaf from my mother in a to-go bag that she swore would get through security. And happy for the company of both my parents on the drive to the airport (despite the 5 red lights my father almost ran through).

Before I got to my gate, I decided to stop to eat something.  As I put my order in, I notice a gentleman in a wheel chair struggling to read the menu because of his impaired eyesight but inspecting it with a very familiar price conscious look.  He asked the airport attendant who was wheeling him around if there was a cheaper place to eat.  Still reeling from the emotions of the weekend and continuous wave of gratitude, I didn't hesitate to offer to buy his lunch (just as my boy Jack did a week prior for kids that "never have lunch money").  

Shocked and incredibly appreciative, he graciously accepted my offering. Overlooking the entire "pay it forward" transaction between two strangers, the airport attendant asked how he was going to get to the gate. Without hesitation, I instructed the man to leave the wheelchair behind. If I can juggle three kids alone, I surely can handle my carry on bags and piloting a stranger in a wheelchair. 

With 45 minutes to spare, the "stranger" and I had lunch. He thanked me again and I got right down to business firing off questions. I was interested in his story.  

He described himself as an artist - a musician I later find out. He lived in Tennessee but had the "audacity" (as he described) to visit NY where he once lived.  Still hung up on his choice of words..."audacity", I almost missed the part of the story when he spoke about being HIV positive. 

He spoke about how his diagnosis changed his perspective. It wasn't  a death sentence for him...it was a license to live his life. As I continued listening, I understood his choice of words better. Financially he is restricted to do many things in his inevitably shortened life span and if he was healthy, he would probably just dream about the trips to NY and Paris etc. But now, what he refers to "audacity" transforms to a perspective driven "fearlessness".  He's not hurting anyone, nor is he living carelessly.  He's living on borrowed time with a burst of courage. 

He said that he's learned that the focus can't be on the dying part of it but on the living part. He's learned that you can love people but not always like them.  He is a grateful man who really has an incredible perspective on life not just on death. He celebrates every moment he has.  For a man with impaired vision, he sees clearer than most people I know. 

My meeting was brief with my unexpected lunch buddy, however it was the most informative life lesson and reminder of how a keen, positive yet realistic perspective is the secret to a happy and fulfilling life. So when the plates shift and life tilts, shift with it and ride the waves.  And every now and then, pay it forward. The return on the investment is priceless!

Go For The Gold!

"People can't do things they can't imagine" - Peter Jensen, Author of The Winning Edge
 

Don’t you ever wonder why some people are so successful and others are not?  And please note that in my book, wealth is nice but it isn’t the only thing that defines success.  For me, it is minding the gap and striving to align dreams with reality.  I truly believe that is our flaws which make us so perfect! But most importantly it is our acceptance of our mistakes and our willingness to learn and persevere that allows us to call it "experience". Mix in a little bit of tenacity, a positive yet realistic attitude with a lot of hard work and some luck and you eventually WILL call it "success".  Hence my blog name “Perfectly Flawed!”
 
As the 30th Olympic games come to a close, I have a heavy heart for those who have trained so hard for years to make it through the trials and to the games only to fall off a balance beam, or tumble over a hurdle or serve one into the net on set point. For some, it is their one and only chance, and for others like a fifteen year old swimming sensation Katie Ledecky, it is just the beginning of her pursuit for greatness.  And of course, in Michael Phelps' case, it is the closing ceremony of a long and successful chapter of a very "flawed" yet unfathomable swimming career.
 
Whether you are an athlete in The Olympics or an athlete in the game of life, the main ingredient for success appears to be "faith". It is a recipe of a variety of beliefs but the universal component is the belief in oneself. I'm willing to bet that none of those athletes ever thought that going to the Olympics as a competitor was impossible. In fact, in most cases their undying desire and dream is what got them there and is what ultimately separates them from the spectators in the stands.
 
It doesn't matter what the job is. The same goes for the game of life. Whether it is my ten year olds' desire to be in show biz or my son's dream to get a sport scholarship to Notre Dame or my oldest daughter’s dream to be a model, they all require three universal components..."passion, drive and faith!" And it will be the resilience and the lessons learned from mistakes along the way that will determine how close they get to aligning their dreams to reality. These are athletes who had a dream, set specific goals, received accolades for their strengths but clearly never lost sight of their weaknesses.  In order to be the best at anything, they clearly had to master their strengths and strengthen their weaknesses.

I found it odd how I got teary eyed each time an athlete had a medal draped around their neck. I can't help but wonder if they were tears of joy for them or tears shed for those I haven't won myself.  Regardless, my wonderment has become the catalyst which crossed me over the starting line and has provoked my underlying dream of being an accomplished writer. I am not sure where it will take me but I am certain that with my strengths and weaknesses, it will be a journey. And for me, that is exciting!
 
With that being said, I am proclaiming my dissatisfaction of always being the spectator. I, for once I am going to be the athlete!  So, drum roll please....

I would like to introduce to the world...Yes! I said "world" - my long desired blog "Perfectly Flawed", inspired by my flaws, the short straws I've pulled and the hands I've been dealt. This blog is a stepping stone towards my goal of writing a book. Some may think it’s silly or even impossible and for those I say "bless your little heart" in the most heartfelt yet condescending Southern manner.  Because for me, anything is possible with passion, perseverance and a lot of faith! And I’ve finally decided to take the leap and go for the Gold!  So light that torch and let the perfectly flawed games begin…