“From Another Angle”...A Bird’s Eye View

Before starting my early morning routine, I let the dogs out leaving the back door cracked open so they could let themselves in and out while I worked. I was soon interrupted by a rustling noise outside my office. Since I didn’t hear the dogs barking, I assumed it was Yegge (my boyfriend) in the kitchen.  I went out to say good morning but to my surprise, I was greeted by two birds circling between my kitchen, living room, hallway and study.  The dogs just sat there aloof, patiently awaiting their treats and not even phased by the fact that there were two birds taking flight throughout the house. 

Needless to say, between the chaos of the birds’ flights and them crapping all over my house, I screamed for Yegge to help me corral the birds, open the doors, and herd the dogs in order to encourage our little visitors’ flight back in that brave new world we all live in.  After the birds’ ordeal was over, and they flew free, Yegge cuddled with the pups and said…

“Bentley, what’s up with you?  You’re a cockapoo!  A cocker spaniel is supposed to be a “bird-dog!”

Thought bubble over Bentley’s head (or anyone who is told what they are “supposed to be”): 

“Oh okay, then I suck - but damn it, I am going to try as hard as I can to be what you want me to be in order to get your approval.”

But here is the truth…Bentley nor YOU will never be what anyone wants them to be! And until people forfeit the angles of expectations, identify who, they themselves really want to be and embrace who they are, they will spin in circles of dissatisfaction trying to live up to others views.  It happens every day! 

Cue in Steppingstone Haven’s weekly topic of “authenticity” …

The focus has been on “being true to oneself”.  In my last blog, “This Is Me”, I highlighted some of the “phrases” that society, family, and friends impose upon us along with the various interpretations that people have.  It usually occurs in our informative years, become embedded into our subconscious minds and follows us into our adult lives as limited beliefs - ultimately affecting our quality of life. But remember, with Awareness – Exploration – Knowledge AND Action…

ANYONE (yes ANYONE) can become EVERYTHING

THEY want to be

AND They can do ANYTHING they put their minds to in order to activate the powers within!   The sky is the limit.

NOW GO FLY!    

This Is ME!

Some become paralyzed by change.  Others plow through it.  When circumstances change, we choose to reject and remain “stuck” or accept and “activate” the “Wonder Woman” or “Superman” powers within. 

I recently took the BIG step of attending the first of 2 three-day trainings towards a Master Life Coaching certification.  For some, they may say “What’s the big deal?”  For me, it was terrifying. I made every excuse in the book related to not having enough time, money and energy.  I made excuses because I was “stuck” in fear - Fear of rejection.  Fear of not being worthy.  Fear of failing.  But I figured it out this weekend with a little help from some friends in the same arena and my dog, Bentley. 😊

How many of you heard or said the following in your lifetime?  What was/is your personal translation?

“Be careful what you say”  

 My personal TRANSLATION: “Conform”

“Don’t offend anyone”  

 My personal TRANSLATION: “Don’t speak up”

“Do the right thing”                                     

My personal TRANSLATION: “Be compliant”

And the most recent one for me?

“Know your audience”                                

My personal TRANSLATION: “Don’t be your authentic self”

Sound familiar?  How many of you translate them as they are above?  Or have you even thought about it until now?  I’m not a psychiatrist, nor do I play one on T.V., but I am going to venture to guess that the expectations society has placed upon us are interpreted similarly often.  The subconscious mind makes up around 95% of your brain.  Every time you have an idea, or an emotion, a memory or an image from the past, it is the subconscious mind which communicates to the conscious mind.  For me, there are triggers for a limited belief system which I like to refer to my “belief pool”.  When it’s limited, there’s no reason to even bring a bathing suit.  There’s no water in the well, and a big sign that saying, “NO DIVING!”

Like Bentley’s (the therapy dog) issue with the disruptive arrival and relationship with his sister Sadie, we all have experienced some life tilts at one point or another.  Whether we are facing a gut-wrenching divorce, a job relocation, job loss, a career change or financial ruin, the “belief pool” needs to be full! 

So maybe look at how you can not only respond differently but how you can FEEL towards these common restraints that we are often faced with, and turn them around. 

“Be careful what you say”           

My personal RESPONSE: “If I don’t ask questions, what can I learn?”

“Don’t offend anyone”                

My personal RESPONSE: “I’ll say what I think nicely.”

“Do the right thing”

 My personal RESPONSE: “How do you know this is the right for me?”

Change is inevitable.  Our reaction is fateful.  So, toss out the bathing suit and go skinny dipping! But whatever you do?  Know this!  There are no two people alike, and each travel different journeys in life.  What we see from where we each stand is a different view from where the other is so...

“Know your audience” and just BE YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF!

And you will attract like-minded people, or those around you will adjust.  And if they don’t?  Well then…SO BE IT!

#perfectlyflawed #embracewhatsgood

Shut Down,Turn Off, or Burn? You Decide or Your Employer May Decide For You

Seven years ago, I made a conscious decision to pay strict attention to my work-life balance. I had been pushed to the ledge at my last job. Around that time, I had attended a parent meeting for the travel abroad program that my daughter was scheduled to go on when she was in high school. As I was sitting there asking questions, I noticed that the countries they were visiting included Italy...The one country I never got to go to in my 10 months abroad back in 1990. I traveled to many places but Italy was one I forfeited because my best friend came over to visit and I spent most of my graduation money.  So I informed my daughter that I would like to go on her trip too. I promised I wouldn’t cramp her style. After a little bit of coaxing and some bribery, she conceded.  

I mention that story because it was the first vacation I had taken where I didn’t have access to my computer.  And after experiencing a complete shut down, turned off mode, and being present in every moment, I made the commitment to making my vacations that way moving forward.

I took a whole week off last week. It was prompted by the craziness of gearing up for 2020 planning, and all of the coverage I’ve been seeing about physician burnout lately. According to HealthLeaders and Bluepoint Leadership Development, “Studies show that professional coaching may reduce physician burnout by 20%.

I decided that I didn’t need to be a physician nor did I need to play one on TV to be burnt out. I confidently met all of the criteria for being sizzled.  In fact, my colleagues would likely describe my state of mind over the past month as “up in flames”.  So I decided to not only take a week off. I also signed up to work with a life/business coach!

This past week, I turned off my notifications, spent time with my family and a good friend during my last minute ”staycation”.  And guess what?  I didn’t spontaneously combust, and neither did my business...thanks to my colleagues covering for me. 

Now I’m ready for a productive week. I’m grateful for my awareness of needing an attitude adjustment, but I’m most appreciative to be working for an employer who understands the importance of preserving its peeps. 

Check in with yourself...

Are you able to identify when you need a break?  And how supportive is your employer?  

Game, (Mind) SET, Match!

Being from NY, this time of year is always memorable for me.  There’s a distinct feeling in the fall air and the stellar sunsets over Long Island Sound that trigger childhood memories of attending The US Open each year.  I haven’t been to The US Open in the past 15 years, but each year I tune in for 2-weeks straight, watching intently as athletes rise and fall through the brackets of their dreams of being the champion on Arthur Ashe Stadium’s center court.

Photo credit: Darren Carroll/USTA

This weekend, I witnessed what I consider not only to be the most exemplary state of athleticism, but one of a stellar and unbreakable, mindset.  Admittedly, I am somewhat ashamed of initially passing judgement on the 23-year old Russian, Daniile Medvedev who was described as a “villain” in The New York Post for making rude gestures to the crowd heckling him in a previous match that week. He just struck me as a “punk”.  I was pulling for Rafa Nadal anyway, who is currently ranked No. 2 in the world in men’s singles tennis.  But as the match progressed, my perception of Medvedev changed drastically as the commentators were writing Medvedev off and prematurely claiming victory for Nadal.  Suddenly, I was won over by the “villainous punk”, and I found myself cheering for him as I witnessed the most admirable turn around in any sport I had ever seen.  I was intrigued by the mindset of the young Russian, and how he magically willed his mind and his body to fight back after getting kicked down in the first two sets.  What was even more impressive was the way Nadal responded as he raised his game even higher.  Mad respect for both players!

Medvedev ultimately ended up losing the match however he earned tremendous recognition from the tough crowd who were heckling the “villain” earlier that week.  News headlines now include him in the category of “warrior” along with his fearless opponent, Rafa Nadal.  The levels of athleticism and displays of mastered mindsets were beyond admirable and equally inspiring.

 

So it provoked me to question myself… “How deep can you dig?”  As I witnessed the adversity and challenge that Nadal gave Medvedev, I reflected on what moves me to dig deeper in order to achieve a stronger and more disciplined mindset in my personal and professional life.  Medvedev learned that he had more in his emotional and physical tank than he ever imagined.  He even said in an interview that after losing the first two sets, he struggled with what he was going to say in his speech when he lost the third set.  He was then interrupted by the visualization of being a champion stewing inside him, and before you knew it, the battle begun as Medvedev transformed and became not only a master of the court, but a master of his mind.  Although the fight was over with a win by Nadal, the battle was not lost by Medvedev.  The 23-year old Russian has nothing to be ashamed of.  I’m convinced that this isn’t the last we will see of him.

It’s no wonder why such renowned companies sponsor and align themselves with The US Open.    Whether you are a financial institution that provides the highest quality of service, a consulting firm specializing in innovation, a healthcare system acclaimed for excellence in research, patient care and education, a Swiss watch manufacturer that prides itself on performance and prestige, or a technology company that is tasked with delivering increased productivity with artificial intelligence…The environment and mindset are what differentiates them from competitors.  It is mindset that determines the precision of their overall performance and the reliability of reaching goals.

  

If you and your company were on center court, would your mindset be a one of a Champion?

Roots, Rocks, Water & Trees – Not your average walk in the woods

This weekend I was challenged.  Through the challenge, I was awakened.The fear and anxiety had not hit me until I was in bed on Friday night anticipating the 2:45 am alarm to sound. The only thoughts that were swirling were "Am I crazy?", "Will I finish?" and "How the hell did I get roped into this?"  As we piled into the vans that transported us to the beginning of the trail, I prayed, "Please God, don’t let me die." Fear and faith have a lot in common.  I decided to let the faith prevail. 

We started with a group photo and once the flash went off, we lined up in order to start. Headlamps adjusted, packs tightened up, a team picture snapped and we were off...

...Off into the darkness and ambiguity of the many peaks and valleys that lay ahead. I kept my eyes at my feet and on the trail and glanced up at one point to see how the headlamps lined up the trail.  People lit up the trail for the one behind them.  In darkness, there is light...

The first few miles in the dark were cathartic. My mind, gradually cleansed of the anxiety I was initially feeling as I ventured onto the trail. I focused on my feet and alerted those behind me of the roots, rocks, water, and trees. As the sun began to rise, I had realized that I had unknowingly adjusted to the dark conditions. I did what I needed to do because I had no other choice but to walk forward at that time. I thought of the Wish Kids and their families doing what they have to do to get through their darkness. My every step was symbolic of each of their strides through adversity. When the sun rose, I awakened to the change of conditions on the trail. I began conversing with others and was cognizant of what was ahead of me...Aid Station #1-around the 5-mile mark. 

Taking a bathroom break, filling water, changing socks and shoes and hoarding those amazing creations called "Uncrustables". Yes. I said it. They are amazing. Being a bit of a food snob, I had never had an Uncrustable in my life. I told my team that I did not like them, and you would have thought I told them that I had committed a horrific crime!  However, I was so hungry by the time I got to Aid Station #1 that I caved.  I am happy to report that I am a believer!

With a goal in mind (to finish!), I promptly set off for the next leg which was approximately 6 miles. This part of the hike was the most enjoyable part for me.  When I say enjoyable, I mean that nothing really hurt. My mind was clear and I was enjoying the sound of the breeze through the trees and listening to the rapids of the Chattooga River.  It distracted me from what was ahead. For the first time in a very long time, I was actually living in the moment without being interrupted by thought of work, kids, and social media. 

I thought about particular times in my childhood. Walking to school, going to my grandmothers to visit and eating her homemade cookies, wearing matching outfits that my mother made for the whole family. My mind was flooding with memories that I had not thought of since they had occurred. It was refreshing to escape.  And it was then when my "What am I doing?" questions at the base of the mountain began to be answered. 

I thought about the Wish Kids, and how Make-A-Wish helps families trek through their child’s illness a little easier by granting specific wishes.  Before I knew it, I was at Aid Station #2.  It was then that I took advantage of the incredible pampering by the Make-A-Wish volunteers. I sat down and I felt like a NASCAR racecar driver. My feet were taped up to prevent blisters; they changed my socks and shoes, filled my water and provided words of encouragement. All I had to do was grab another Uncrustable and I was on my way. Next stop, mile #22!

This part of the hike was completely different experience for me. The roots were really beginning to affect my feet. There were many steps up and many steps down. My ankles and knees were starting to ache. I was getting aggravated as we were walking along the river because I was too pre-occupied with the pain to enjoy the beauty.  If I wanted to make it to Aid Station #3 by 3 pm, I needed to focus on my steps on the narrow trail. The more I walked, the more bothered I became.  At that moment, I thought of the Wish families. How many times do they miss the opportunity to enjoy the scenery?  It was then that I had the epiphany about why I was there and began to understand how brilliant of an organization that Make-A-Wish is!  

Two lovely volunteers with two different styles of motivation greeted us at Mile #22. One was cheering us on as he filled water. The other was coaching as she handed over the most delicious cold, peeled Halo oranges. As wonderful as it was, the delirium set it.  To this moment, I still do not know if that was really Mile #22 or #21. Regardless, I think it was to distract us from what was ahead. There was another mile and a half to Aid Station #3 and no joke, at that point everything felt like it was uphill.  To be honest, it was the prospect of being pampered by the volunteers that forged me forward. I will tell you that it was the longest mile and a half I had ever walked. I was in pain. I was frustrated and emotional.  Nevertheless, my thought process was different.  I was not thinking of myself, I was thinking of the Wish Kids and their families.  At that very moment, I truly dedicated each remaining step to them. I stepped outside of myself and thought of Skyla, Mason, Ben and the stories of other Wish Kids.  My thoughts interrupted by cheers… relief from Aid Station # 3 was in the near distance. 

I plopped into a chair for my wheels to be changed and my vehicle fueled for the final leg of the challenge. 

"But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."

-Isaiah 40:31

I prayed a lot during this leg. The ironic part about it was that at the starting line, I was asking why I was even there. Over 22 miles of evolving thoughts, I awakened to exactly why. 

In between my internal cries for healing to my feet, ankles and knees, I found myself consistently pleading, "Please God, help me to remember why I'm here?!"  

In the last 6 miles, I learned that I was in the right place at the right time when this opportunity to participate arose. I was one of dozens of hikers, who was chosen to be transformed this weekend.  Next to giving birth to my children, this was one of the most life altering experiences I have ever had. 

What started out as just as what my father referred to as just a "walk in the woods" evolved into a deceptively simple story that provided me with some some deep encounters, conversations and lessons with myself, my friends and strangers.  Over 28.3 miles, I silenced my phone on airplane mode and remarkable things occurred. I thought of things and people that really mattered. 

Initially my goal was to finish. In the last 6 miles, I reflected on why I wanted to finish.  I could attribute it to my competitive nature, but it ultimately was for the Wish Families.  It was for the generous donors who helped me exceed my fundraising goal of $2,500.  It was for the awareness of Make-A-Wish and the selfless work they do to make kids wishes come true. 

Throughout the hike, I practiced principles, and applied practical tools to my hiking experience and recognize the impact the experience now has on my own life to change it for the better.  What began as a deceptively simple "walk in the woods", progressed into a pithy yet empowering trek in the mountains. When this started, I was awake with fear. I now sleep with more faith in humanity and me.   This weekend I was reassured that there are some truly solid people in this world. 

On Saturday morning, I was showered and clean and status quo. By Saturday evening, I was filthy. I was pained and broken but I was stronger, wiser and more aware of what really matters in the world. I was vulnerable but today I am victorious after a 28.3-mile "walk in the woods."

The world is full of roots, rocks, water and trees

Dig deep to find strong roots 

Use the rocks for support

Drink the water for nourishment

You have a choice to be

A fallen tree

Or to flourish

I choose to flourish

Forever a Trailblazer!

Thank you to the SC Make-A-Wish Chapter, their Wish kids and families for allowing me this opportunity to help. Please know that by helping you, you have given back to me more than I had ever expected!  I will be back next spring with a lot more fire in my belly to double what I raised this year. The fight in you has inspired the fight in me.

Altered State

Previously preoccupied with the thought of the prospect of flying tomorrow to Boston for a business trip, I am grateful to have received an invitation to visit a friend in Maine first. (Actually, I invited myself ).  So I sit on American Airlines flight 3987 flying through Philly and onto Portland.  I reflect, still in awe over September 11, 2001.  Fifteen years later, the wounds are still so raw requiring larger doses of hydrogen peroxide and antibiotics the minute Labor Day festivities end.  I feel it lurking.  The fall weather, the sunrises, the sunsets and even the play lists on the radio trigger feelings that I compartmentalize most of the year.  Literally, I brace myself for the impact of what is truly indescribable. 

Occasionally in my travels, I am asked where I am from.  My answer - “New York” - tends to create a knee jerk response, “Were you there on “that” day?” Each time, I am reluctant as I repeat my story because I feel as if I am reliving it all over again.  Even 15 years later, I try to comprehend the magnitude of what happened to our Country, and me, my ex-husband, our Wall Street friends, a boss who lost his dad, a client who lost her twin brother, and the experiences of so many close friends and acquaintances.

You see, I never know how it is going to hit me.  I’ve said this before, but three hundred and sixty-four days of the year, I quietly mourn and optimistically think that “this year’s anniversary will be different”!   Fifteen years later, my optimism quarrels with my sadness, anger, and dismay over it all.  I question which direction I am going to take it this year when somebody asks me about that dreaded day.  

We can never erase that day and the effect those events have had on our lives.  Millions of Americans went to bed 15 years ago oblivious to how the next day was going to unfold.  Our days following that horrific day are no different than September 10^th, 2001 - so live life to the fullest with love, kindness and gratitude in your hearts.  We will never be the same but we are required to move onward – so we do…in an altered state but we never forget.

A New Year Reflection

Forgive me for being a little late to the 2016 FB post about the New Year. I'm still in a bit of a food coma but finally returning to reality. I have also been mulling over several posts that I've seen on Facebook from people expressing relief about 2015 being behind them and how they intend to "tackle" 2016.  Some of them carrying a variety of tones including anger, desperation even an exhausted whininess about them.

With all due respect, I get it but the FB posts over pretending or wishing life experiences never happened is equivalent to nails on a chalk board to me. I've experienced consecutive years like that and I think as a result of my attitude, maybe my view on them is somewhat different. In fact, I even did some research on my New Year's FB posts of years' past and saw that not once did I bitch about what happened that year. In fact, I sensed a tremendous amount of gratitude for the paths that it put me on.  However, I will admit that the darkest moments in my life could have been interpreted as a black comedy through my cynicism. There were a few that I actually LOL'd over and several posts included #youcantmakethisshitup! Because honestly you couldn't!!!  It still could make for some great sitcom material. 

Twenty years ago I began a new chapter in my life, preparing for the so called "fairy tale" sharing my life with my so called "Prince". I had the hopes and dreams that most girls have in their 20's have to start a family and live happily ever after.

I realize now that through some nightmares came new dreams. I was fortunate enough to have three beautiful children but unfortunately my "prince" turned into a frog. Figuratively speaking that was when I was "dethroned" and thrown to the alligators in the moat of my own castle.

I've learned through my journey that if you pay close attention to others who surround you, the unexpected adversity bears love, compassion and support from some very unusual suspects. And ironically during my challenging times emotionally, physically and financially I learned from other people's random acts of kindness. I realize that I was not the only one facing difficult times and learned to step outside myself and my problems to give back to others. Most close to me, attribute it to my optimistic attitude. I credit the faith that I developed through the unexpected turn of events.  I never had the attitude that I do now when I was living in the castle with my "prince". I was too caught up in the royal lifestyle to appreciate what really matters - God, family, love, health, and integrity.

I had the same things that I have today but as a result of my journey through adversity, I have a different set of eyes. Today I look within as opposed to looking out. Through this I have experienced true healing accompanied by an openness to receive the good that lies within others.  For me, it's about opening my eyes, ears and heart in the midst of chaos and creating an awareness for the subtleties.  Every now and then I need to be reminded...

Just yesterday I had a sobering experience.  New neighbors moved in across the street.  Despite of my positivity, I do admit to a tendency to shut people out.  "I have enough friends."  "I can't stand people" are muttered often to myself...Or appear in the thought bubble over my head.  Hell, sometimes I can't help but say it out loud.  That is one of my shortcomings, I guess.  In any case, yesterday, my shortcomings were called out loud and clear.

About a month back, I met the new neighbors.  A nice couple from Michigan.  Both work from home. The wife (I still don't know her name) introduced herself first and then her husband, Mike.  I remember his name because he came out of nowhere, tripped up my driveway, almost falling flat on his face. I joked with Torie, saying Mike was so excited to meet us that he couldn't stand.  Or "how many cocktails do you think Mike had today?"  That was our running joke.  Until yesterday...

...I learned that Mike was just recently diagnosed with ALS AND at the same time that I was probably going straight to hell in a hand basket!  And taking my poor, innocent, naive 13 year old with me!

I immediately called Torie and the other kids down to confess my stupidity and used the sobering reminder that no matter what stage we are in our lives - good, bad, ugly - We must always remember that everybody has a story.  Our lives have been very stable lately compared to some of the past years but I allowed my battle scars get the best of me and my actions completely contradicted all that I had learned and really believed.  I decided that I am going to be less guarded when I see my new neighbors, find out what Mike's wife's name is and offer my assistance should they need it in their challenges days ahead.

So through the trouble I've seen and the sorrow I have come to know, I have embraced what really matters. Every now and then I need a reminder.  And now, as I continue to climb the mountain of life. I realize that slow and steady wins the race. Time is my friend - good and bad. I use it wisely and most of all I learn. I embrace all that is good no matter what comes my way. Today I am the Queen of my own castle. It is filled with love, gratitude and a good attitude. And for the record, there is no moat and no alligators. Only unicorns. :-)

To all my friends and family, May you face 2016 with pure alacrity! Don't look back at the challenges with disgust but embrace them. Draw strength from them and keep your eyes open for those who may happen to have to face adversity in 2016. You are prepared!  So offer them help, love, and support this year and get back to me in 2017.  My prediction is that the New Year's Facebook posts may take on a more positive tone.