I woke up in the middle of the night, interrupted by the disturbing thoughts of the tragedy that unfolded yesterday in Connecticut. Not only about the nightmarish events but I wondered about the earlier hours of interaction between those children, their parents and their siblings. My curiosity was peaked as a result of the guilt I have felt for the way I've conducted myself several months since starting my new job and recent mornings getting my children off to school.
For the past 5 years I have been a single mother who has been put in a very precarious financial situation and all of the responsibility has been placed on my shoulders to raise my three children. I have prided myself on the benefits my children received from my "can do" attitude and my resilience, but it also occurred to me that they have also suffered from some neglect due to the stress of deadlines, conference calls, work travel, etc. I'm ashamed to say that the stress from the attempt to overachieve at past jobs and certainly my present one has caused me to neglect many of my children's needs including just a brief peaceful chat at the kitchen table, more family dinners, being able to keep important doctors appointments. But my latest and greatest was missing the paperwork deadline for a school my daughter was already accepted into and now having to scramble to get her into another charter or private school because they needed the paperwork by the specific date. I've been so focused on this new, great paying and full of potential job that I've neglected my children's needs. And I'm sad to say, as a result we all have lost some time or missed out on something however I sadly find solace in the wake up call.
So as I watched the events develop on the tv, I couldn't help but think about the horror and fear that those children and teachers experienced before taking their last breaths or even the innocence that was ripped away from those poor children who survived that massacre. I wondered about how each and every one of those children and parents started their day yesterday. Was it with a kiss and an "I love you"? Or was it with tears, because of impatience or reprimanding because somebody forgot they had a science test that day and didn't study? (just how my mornings went this week)
So I prayed...
YES. I said "prayed" which is a whole other issue, along with gun control and mental illness but definitely not what we should be talking about now as the media and facebookers feel so compelled to do right now.
I prayed that each and every one of those children heard kind and loving words from their parents, siblings and friends that morning before they left for school. I thanked GOD for the wake up call and promised that HE comes first, then my family and then my job. I vowed to find the balance between all of them - love my GOD, love my family and do my job well and diligently.
My heart is broken and my head is confused over yesterday's unfathomable events and eerily just as it was on 9-11. I have always tried to embrace the good in every situation but this one is a difficult one. All I can say is...Out of every tragedy, there are heroes and there are lessons to be learned. The heroes will be unveiled in time. The lessons learned are loud and clear for me but usually different for everyone. I do think it is safe to say that last night, people throughout our nation are holding their family a little closer, cherishing each moment and hopefully practicing kindness towards every path they cross. Life is precious and should never be taken for granted. Now if we can just remember that every second of our days...
