Altered State

Previously preoccupied with the thought of the prospect of flying tomorrow to Boston for a business trip, I am grateful to have received an invitation to visit a friend in Maine first. (Actually, I invited myself ).  So I sit on American Airlines flight 3987 flying through Philly and onto Portland.  I reflect, still in awe over September 11, 2001.  Fifteen years later, the wounds are still so raw requiring larger doses of hydrogen peroxide and antibiotics the minute Labor Day festivities end.  I feel it lurking.  The fall weather, the sunrises, the sunsets and even the play lists on the radio trigger feelings that I compartmentalize most of the year.  Literally, I brace myself for the impact of what is truly indescribable. 

Occasionally in my travels, I am asked where I am from.  My answer - “New York” - tends to create a knee jerk response, “Were you there on “that” day?” Each time, I am reluctant as I repeat my story because I feel as if I am reliving it all over again.  Even 15 years later, I try to comprehend the magnitude of what happened to our Country, and me, my ex-husband, our Wall Street friends, a boss who lost his dad, a client who lost her twin brother, and the experiences of so many close friends and acquaintances.

You see, I never know how it is going to hit me.  I’ve said this before, but three hundred and sixty-four days of the year, I quietly mourn and optimistically think that “this year’s anniversary will be different”!   Fifteen years later, my optimism quarrels with my sadness, anger, and dismay over it all.  I question which direction I am going to take it this year when somebody asks me about that dreaded day.  

We can never erase that day and the effect those events have had on our lives.  Millions of Americans went to bed 15 years ago oblivious to how the next day was going to unfold.  Our days following that horrific day are no different than September 10^th, 2001 - so live life to the fullest with love, kindness and gratitude in your hearts.  We will never be the same but we are required to move onward – so we do…in an altered state but we never forget.